“Out of the Darkness” – Jessica O’Sullivan

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http://www.dreamstime.com/royalty-free-stock-images-threatening-weather-background-image15624539July 6, 2013 [Your Letters] This poem was written by a beautiful woman who was in one of my groups in Australia and whose testimony is in the book on Idols I’m finishing up this week. Her daughter was born perfectly healthy, but before her first birthday she contracted an illness that left her like an infant, unable to care for herself, unable to move, unable to speak. The doctors said she would not live, but she did–for over six more years. She and her husband cared for her around the clock, working opposite shifts and everyone questioned why they didn’t just put her in a facility. As she told me, “Karen, it was such hard work but she was such a blessing to us. She couldn’t talk but we could tell by her cries what her needs were; she had feelings and thoughts; and her presence brought us such joy. With our other children she was part of our family and we miss her so much.” It’s been a couple of years now since her daughter died, but just recently God gave her this poem she wanted to share. I love her reflection at the end. – Karen

Here is an excerpt of her testimony that’s in the upcoming book:

. . . It was after a year of crying and screaming out to God on a daily basis in agonizing pain, (after Teagan died) that I heard about idols of the heart for the first time and I understood.  I could see how, although I had given my daughter back to God—which I had thought was submitting to Him on the highest level—after she was gone, I had struggled with God constantly about her life of suffering, trying to make sense of it all. I had thought I was leading a godly life; but in reality I was still trying to please myself, by clinging to the need to have answers from God. All my prayers had been telling God how He could serve me. My whole Christian life had been telling God what I wanted Him to do, as if He owed me. But He doesn’t. I owe Him for the gift of salvation, I owe Him gratitude for the reassurance that I will see my daughter again. . . .

Thank you for helping me to realise grief can be an idol of the heart – I actually think it’s one of the hardest because it is masked with pain – that seems pure but really it’s eating you up. God’s not in that.  I thought I wasn’t honouring her if I gave it up.. I did feel closer to her when I was at my lowest. How the devil was deceiving me. My focus is now on being close to God – and the peace that does surpass understanding is amazing. Lots of Love, and blessings, Jess 
(click on “More” to read Jess’ poem about the darkness of the first year after her daughter’s death)
Out of the darkness, by Jessica O’Sullivan (for sweet Teagan)


Lost in the pain of grief
Lost in dispair
Lost in crushing anguish
Lost in darkness


I remember a time before the pain
Before I was lost in dispair
It seems as though
It was another in my place
I struggle to remember that life


I am falling deeper, deeper
Down, Down
Into the dungeon of darkness
Where are you, God?
I can’t see you – I am alone


” I will never forsake you”
Seems empty
When you feel forsaken
If you love me, why are you hurting me?


“I do not exist for your happiness”
“You exist to glorify me”
“Your purpose is not to be happy- but holy”
“In me – you will experience a joy
that surpasses understanding”


But I can’t let go of the pain
It’s too strong – I’m trapped
I’m enveloped with darkness
How can you find me?


“I am the creator of the universe
and I love and care for you!”
“Come, seek me”


I’m not strong enough to give it up
I can’t let go of the pain
Part of me doesn’t want to let go
I feel closer to her when I’m in agony


But I want to come out of the darkness
I can’t live like this anymore
YOU take my pain, Lord
I can’t do it
Lift me out of the darkness


Bring me back into Your Light
Let me feel the joy
that surpasses understanding
Give me Your peace


“My precious, precious child”
“Here is my peace”
“Here is my love”
“Here is my protection”
“Come into My Light”


“To experience my joy,
Now, follow me…”


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